Regret (2nd fic of 5, Simon/Jayne)

[wildannuette.livejournal.com]

Title: Regret (2nd fic of 5)
Author:wildannuette
Summary:Jayne and Simon have their rocky days but that’s the fun of being in a relationship-being driven to distraction and half insane. Jayne centric chapter, based of the 5 stages of love challenge.
Rating: NC17
Characters: Simon, Jayne, Mal, various other crew memory wise
Pairing: Simon/Jayne
Warning: Angst, m/m, Oral sex, slash, Voyeurism
Spoilers/Timeline: After both the movie and the series
Sequel To: Envy
Series: Ain’t always so cold, out in the Black
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Thanks to Kitsunesan for betaing for me.





6 months after Miranda


“Right, listen up. Now, should be easy enough for us to get all we need here an’ no trouble for it, but I ain’t takin’ no chances. Folks ‘round here are tight as sphincters when it comes to givin’ away forgiveness and coin, and some here aren’t too fond of us.”

That’s an understatement. Jayne remembers the last time they came to this poxy little planet and he takes into account both he and Mal ending up with more than just bruises. But Mal, being Mal, can’t seem to take a hint; he’s stubborn as hell when it comes to doing the job and Jayne can’t fault him on it. But the Captain’s got a really nasty habit of forgetting what places are like, and Jayne’s in no hurry to be shot at again. Especially now, with distrust in more abundance with the Alliance on shaky feet, trying to dispute what happened at Miranda, and people tending to be more than a little trigger happy.

“Zoe, you an’ Jayne stay here an’ keep your eyes on Serenity. Chances are, given the main trade of this place, they’ll be more interested in her than in us doin’ the trading.”

Now that’s not right, and that’s something Jayne’s sure on, his eyes flicking to Mal and narrowing slightly. Mal knows he’s not one to back down from a fight, but other than Zoe, who Jayne gives more than credit to, there’s no one on board better to have at his back. Hell, Mal’s had him there enough to trust he’s not gonna stab him in it. Planet’s best trade might be machine parts, which is why Jayne’s sure little Kaylee’s going along, but the girl’s aim hasn’t improved much and Simon’s…well, Jayne can’t say Simon’s not gotten better, not gotten more accurate and found it easier to hold the metal in his hands. Jayne‘s seen it first hand, been the one to stand behind him and teach him. But Simon’s got a nasty habit of aiming for woundable areas, going for the gut rather than the head or the heart. Nasty habit that could get him killed.

Man can’t pull the trigger once he’s dead, but piss him off enough an’ even with his insides half out, he’ll find a way.

Jayne remembers learning that the hard way, has still got the scar in his back where the bullet just missed his spine; he remembers managing to hold his own gun in trembling hands and watch firsthand what a bullet to the face did. First time he killed a man, wasn’t even in a fair fight; the man had crept up and tried to give Jayne a thrashing whilst he was unawares. Didn’t know Jayne had the sixteenth birthday present his father had given him, didn’t know Jayne hadn’t known she was married. Didn’t matter either, not now and not then.

Especially not with both Simon and Mal looking at him, waiting for Jayne to say something. Mal’s expression is unreadable but Jayne’s not stupid, not a backbirth or fool. Mal’s been waiting for this, for the opportunity to get downtime with Simon and even more of a bonus, Simon and Kaylee- Jayne’s under no illusions that Mal would prefer Simon to take up with her, not him. But he just crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the wall, eyes meeting Simon’s and ignoring Mal.

Simon looks uncertain for a moment, searching Jayne’s face for something he obviously doesn’t find because he’s turning away now, letting Kaylee take his arm and chatter at him- all excited and over the boy like a rash, something that Jayne has to grit his teeth at.

Shouldn’t be letting’ her paw him like that, Bèn dàn knows how she feels about him, he’s gotta get the balls to tell her straight. Just makin’ her look the fool now.

Which isn’t something Jayne holds with. People have deceptions, there’s no doubting that, but with them being made into a family now and living together, if Simon wanted things to stay that way, he couldn’t keep playing Kaylee- had to tell the girl straight and get it over with. It’s not something he and Simon have talked about; Jayne’s not about to let Simon think he’s getting jealous or heated up over it, but he’s not below making snidely comments at the right time.

“Which this surely ain’t.” Jayne mutters the words to himself, still leaning against the wall though the rest of the crew have long dispersed, coming to his senses and moving to the cargo doors to haul them closed- not wanting the added temptation for any wandering pillagers.

Simon isn’t talking to him, which makes Jayne that little bit more edgy about him wandering off with Mal and Kaylee; he’s not talking to him either, just keeping his distance and keeping polite, which is somehow worse than showing his anger and completely ignoring Jayne. Simon’s not one to bear grudges, unlike Jayne, who’d kill a man for hurting one his own years before. Simon likes to have things out right away, then let them sit for awhile before its all forgotten and moved on from, which is why Jayne can’t understand the coolness between them.

Stupid disagreement, which wasn’t even all Jayne, but Simon had been acting odd around him for days; still coming to Jayne’s bunk, still rutting when they got the urge, but it was like Simon wasn’t all there, like he was pulling back. Stupid disagreement that Jayne couldn’t get his head around. They’d been looking for a job, found the hint of one they were going for now but also found another. Less coin, more hassle. Folks desperate for a doctor, needing his attentions, a small settlement outside of Asteria. Simon had wanted it, argued all persuasive and pleading, but the job they were taking now was too rich and plum to give up on.

“Crew needs to eat Simon, can’t afford passing this one up.”

Mal’s words hadn’t been appreciated, and even less so was Jayne’s response when Simon had looked at him, wanting Jayne to say something, to agree and help hold sway. But Jayne had said nothing, just gone back to flicking his knife between his fingers. It wasn’t that he was against helping people, as long as he got something in return, but Mal had been right- they needed to eat, and Simon was just one doctor. Hadn’t thought it, hadn’t thought how easy it would be for the people to just take him and keep him as their permanent doctor if they got the urge.

And Simon is one thing, complication or not, Jayne isn’t about to give up. Situation certainly didn’t warrant Simon’s claim that they all had morals on a par with Badger as he walked off.

Jayne didn’t care much for morals, especially Simon’s brand. He either told him outright what he thought of them or ignored them, which was a popular attitude with the rest of the crew too. One more way Simon was complicated- he hated thinking they were doing wrong, had too much misplaced and naïve honour being where he was, and Jayne had taken great care to push and goad at the man over the year he‘d been on board, toughening him up and making Simon think on those morals of his.

Not that he’ll ever be like me an’ Mal, but he’s getting’ more relaxed, more in the know, till this set him off. Ain’t sure what to do to make things right. He might be smart as cao , but he ain’t right- not this time.

Simon isn’t in any way close to immoral, at least not to Jayne’s eyes, though he has been getting harsher, seeing what life is like out in the Black and the Rim, changing him a little. He could be scary- smart in the way he planned things, the heists he’d helped pull off and think up. Could even be dangerous, though months ago Jayne would have laughed at the thought. Simon didn’t need to raise his voice or brandish a weapon, the man could do more damage with clever words said in such a soft, level voice- exuding danger and even a touch of psychosis, which Jayne, having heard it, had been both proud and equally wary of. He could be the bigger man too; had left Jayne feeling shamed on more than one occasion when he’d chosen trust over vengeance. Jayne being in such a precarious position under the doctor’s knife; and yet Simon had assured him he’d always be safe on his table. Was an accumulation of such confusing, annoying and noble behaviour that had Jayne convinced Simon was a complication, albeit now a welcome one.

“Stubborn.”

The softly spoken word makes Jayne jump, almost catching his head on the metal staircase as he looks up. River’s leaning down, bent over the rail at a dangerous angle that looks damn uncomfortable to Jayne, but she seems completely at ease, staring down at him, still creepy despite being somewhat saner as of late.

“Tryin’ to give me a ruttin’ heart attack?” Jayne glowers up at her, a trickle of apprehension running through him as he recalls just how loud and long he’s been thinking and with a Reader on board. A Reader with a vested interested in his thoughts on Simon. He doesn’t appreciate her pointing it out, not when he is still sure he’s right. He can’t argue with her though; the girl’s crazy enough and smart enough to win every go. Jayne’s just glad she doesn’t have a knife this time.

River smiles, balancing on one hand as she leans further still, making Jayne’s hands come up, not wanting Simon to come back to the sight of his sister splattered on the floor, brains more out than in. She strokes the front of his T-shirt, pulling a frown from him. “Not you, displaying and reminding before, not you. Didn’t hear what you had planned till after.”

That makes him uneasy. This is a conversation he’s managed to avoid with her, one he’s had out many a time with Simon, but her ‘I can kill you with my mind’ comment rings inside his head. “Yeah well, that’s was then an’ you were-” He pauses, unsure of what to say. Money had been good, too good, had gotten him stupid and greedy, but it had been the other complications Simon brought that had tipped his hand.

She laughs, throwing herself backwards and winding her legs around the metal, arching her back to stare at the ceiling. That laugh makes Jayne more uneasy, apprehension growing at her cryptic words. River’s saner then she’s ever been; he’s heard her talk to Simon and Mal all normal-like, but she likes to play with him, act all manner of bat shit and crazy.

“I ain’t playin’.” He sometimes puts up with it, sometimes enjoys the banter and confusion it causes when he works out and understands her words, but he hasn’t got the patience now, isn’t in the mood.

“Simon’s stubborn.”

That makes him look up, but she’s humming to herself now, ignoring him, much like her brother, and Jayne can feel a headache looming. He feels a more than strong urge to make himself something hot and soothing rather than stay and listen to her. She calls after him as he stomps out, words seeming to have a warning tone, one reminiscent of that which his mother had every time Jayne was about to misbehave.

“Things aren’t always what they seem, Jayne.”

It’s the first time she’s said his name, and it has the opposite effect to when Simon says it, causing a chill to move through him, one he only shakes off as his hands come around the half-empty pan. Zoe or Inara’s been here. The pan’s half-empty and still hot, so Jayne pours the water into a cup, adding the acrid leaves and letting it brew. He’d rather have been drinkin’ Kaylee’s own brew, but her devices had gone and blown themselves up, making it all the more urgent for them to get the parts they need and get this job.

“’Can’t do anything good, do something right’ ain’t applying here, Shepherd.” Jayne mutters the words to himself as he settles into his chair, hands around the mug, leaning back and closing his eyes for a moment as if hearing a response.

“Sometimes it’s not about you son. Sometimes it’s about taking a step back and letting others take the responsibility first.”

He remembers those words, remembers hearing the Shepherd say them. Not to him, though, but to Simon. Still, they appear fitting now, and Jayne can’t help but open his eyes and sigh at them. He can’t keep waiting and wondering on Simon, getting his back up every time things get a little stiff. There’s no way, given the experiences so far, that their relationship would be anything less than turbulent.

“Relationship? That a very committing word you just used there, Jayne.”

Jayne smiles, wondering briefly if he’s half-crazy, or if anyone else would think him that way for talking out his troubles to someone long gone. It was likely they would, likely they’d think him as crazy as River. But still, couldn’t help but be done. Jayne missed Book, missed the nights they’d spend playing Tall card, setting the world to rights and wrongs and talking. Jayne isn’t one much for talking, but both Simon and Book had that in common- they got his mouth flapping about everything.

“Not always so simple, though is it?” Jayne can almost see the expression Book would have on his face if he was saying the words; probably the preacher would be caught somewhere between amusement and solidarity.

“Not ever.” His answer is short, said to an empty room, but Jayne can almost feel Book’s presence next to him. Jayne’s not a religious man and he thinks little of the after life and having those departed still around him, but he was enough to say grace when the Preacher offered it, and to hope Book’s gone on to somewhere good after his time was cut short. Not a religious thing though, this talking to Book; just something that needs to be done. Sometimes the Shepherd’s the only one that will listen and can understand.

That’s ‘cause he ain’t actually here.

Given that Book’s well and truly passed on, Jayne can’t help but smile at the irony of getting advice from a dead man. Also ironic given how much he talks of Simon, especially when Book used to be the one trying to cajole Jayne into liking the man, into accepting him and River, especially given Jayne’s choice of description about the doctor. A doctor he’d been happy to ignore and put down, rather than wander into dangerous ground and look that little bit further.

Unnatural to care so much about someone, ‘cept blood-kin. Ain’t always so then, either.

That used to be his old argument, even after the rutting and sharing of bunks had started. He’d been freaked out by how much and how quickly he fell into things with Simon. Fell into bed, fell into a routine and relationship and fell just that little bit further. Not that he’d ever say it, ever voice how he felt. He’s not sure Simon’s in that place or feeling it. Besides, it’s not something he should have to put into words.

Jayne doesn’t like words. They make him uncomfortable, and tend to sound all shades of stupid when he tries to use them. He can use them more around Simon now, can make small talk, and long talk, and sit there for the longest of times with just a bottle of sake and the doctor for company. But when it’s something he knows can sound wrong, can be taken wide off the mark by Simon, it’s easier to avoid and wait till he can just answer, ‘me too’. That day will be long in coming though; save Mal, none of the crew are any the wiser to he and Simon.

“Mal won’t say nothing. Captain’s just wanting Simon away from me, just damn jealous and mistrustin’ of me. Can’t change that. Not particularly feeling the need to either. He don’t trust me. Ain’t my problem.” Jayne sips at his tea, setting the cup back down and staring into the dark liquid, feeling a wistfulness for Kaylee’s special brew. It would be just the right thing about now, just to temper the less than charitable thoughts he is having about the Captain.

“You really think he distrusts you that much?” The words are familiar ones. Book asked him many a time and, as always, Jayne’s answer is yes. Mal would be a fool not to. He’s not sure Mal really trusts anyone, not sure the man’s not got too much going on inside to let anyone in. If anyone would come close it would be Zoe, but even to her Jayne’s sure there’s a part of Malcolm Reynolds that’s never been seen.

“Doubt he’d even trust Simon. He’d be thinking’ I played him or something, or maybe I blackmailed him into it.” Jayne smirks, but the smile has a bitter twist to it. “Mal’s never gonna believe Simon came to me first.”

Which is how it had happened, how they had happened, with Simon making the first move- taking the first chance. Mal’s also not going to believe that Simon’s the one wanting their relationship kept secret, not wanting anyone to know what’s going on between them. Jayne’s not bothered who knows, though he wants Simon to let Kaylee in on things first, let the girl down gently and give her time to get over her crush. He’s too fond of the girl to want her hopes crushed. The hiding irks him, the clandestine slipping back to their own bunks before everyone gets up. Jayne’s not ashamed of rutting with a man, of being both straight and sly and enjoying tasting between the two, and he’s certainly not ashamed it’s Simon he’s with. The man’s prettier than anything else on the ship. He might be an annoyance and able to wind Jayne up, but he’s Jayne’s, and that’s all that matters.

“Not like I’m bothered about telling anyone. Shouldn’t have to make a statement or nothin’, but I don’t care if they know.” Jayne rubs his head, the brief wonderment hitting him of just how much Simon’s gotten inside him. Inside his head and heart and bed, taking more than just an argument to shift Jayne’s affections.

“Sometimes these things work themselves out. People fight, they move on; doesn’t mean they stop caring for one another.” The Preacher’s voice has taken on a kindly tone and Jayne grimaces, not liking the direction the conversations going. He’s happy with the talking, happy with thinking and feeling what he does, but hearing it put into words makes Jayne uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Big words of affection always have, just like big shows. No place for them in the world they live in. Jayne would be happy with quiet words muttered in privacy. With replying to those words with some of his own, with touching and kissing and showing all manner of fondness in the privacy of their own bunks. His reputation precedes him; Jayne knows he’s nothing to worry about there, no call to defend himself from people knowing who he bunks with, especially when he’d be happier with it all out in the open. But this thing with the doctor’s different to him. Different from ruts and whores and anything else sexual that’s gone on before, and Jayne wants to keep that part of it where it belongs, between only them.

“Use to tease him ya know.“ Jayne rubs at his stubble, smile returning as he remembers it. “Weren’t thinking it was more than just toughening him up, annoyin’ and jostlin‘ him all the time. Just ended up bein’ more teasin’. Damn annoyed Simon no end an’ got his back up, but got him biting back at me too. And ya know what the funny thing is?” His grin widens as though expecting an answer, “Only natural for a man to do what he’s gotta do, but it’s what got me an’ Simon together. He’s got balls, ya know? Came right out and snapped at me, ‘could you find another manner of flirting with me that isn’t quite so aggravatin?’.”

That short sentence, said in such a vexed tone, had changed Jayne’s sneer to a smirk, had heralded a mass of quips and snarks, none all that biting and all insinuating on Simon’s wish to be flirted with. To which Simon had rendered Jayne dumbfounded by replying, in that cutting tone of his, a simple statement that had had the merc pulling him into a hard kiss. A kiss that had been more about assertion and dominance, meant to put Simon in his place and leave the doctor reeling, but had taken both their breaths away instead.

Jayne wets his lips, remembering the kiss, recalling the way Simon’s lips had parted, the ease that had been between them- first kiss not awkward or messy as most usually were. Just another reason Jayne had always been leery on kissing on the mouth- the action had usually caused more tension than necessary. He starts as voices interrupt him, far enough away to excuse his not noticing before but not far enough to be outside the ship and he curses, realizing how long he’s been sitting there. Tea has gone cold and doubtless Mal’s not impressed to find his ship all unguarded and unlocked, which Jayne knows he has right to be.

He’s moving before he notices it, steps quickening as he places where the sound’s coming from, places the curses coming from the Infirmary. Jayne’s eyes are automatically searching them all out as he jumps down the steps, restraining himself from looking too anxious and holding back on his stride as he realizes it’s Mal doing the cursing. Not that he wants the Captain laid up and injured- man could be like a Reader with a sore head when he was hurt.

“You must stay still.” Simon’s admonishing Mal as Jayne walks in, his eyes flicking to Jayne’s briefly before they focus back on the small slash he’s stitching in Mal’s side.

“Ya get the job an’ the goods?” Jayne’s fully aware his relaxed tone has annoyed Mal, the Captain’s lips pursing in what a suicidal man would call a pout. Jayne’s not that way inclined, though, so much as it makes him smile, he doesn’t call Mal out on it.

“I got shot at.”

Least you didn’t get shot proper. The thought comes to Jayne’s mind as he rolls his eyes, glancing at Kaylee, who looks so downright happy it’s almost scary. Girl’s got a truckload of glee she’s wantin’ to upload. She’s gonna be chatterin’ her pigu off at supper tonight.

“I got what I needed.” Kaylee’s ignoring the sideways glance Mal’s throwing her, hands moving erratically as her enthusiasm spills over. “Got Serenity a coupla compression coils. Second-hand, but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? Can get them workin’ in no time. They just got gunked up and too unpretty for some of the fancier ships, but Serenity’d be glad for them.”

She’s chattering more, saying a spiel on information and words that’ve got Jayne staring at her, bewildered by the sheer volume and amount.

“Breathe, gorrammit girl.”

She’s grinning now, and even Simon snorts softly with laughter, eyes moving to Jayne again, and there’s a mellowing there, something that’s been missing for days and something Jayne’s not about to disregard in favour of his pride.

“You avoid trouble?” Jayne’s words are to Simon now, briefly catching out the corner of his eye Mal trying to cross his arms in annoyance and wincing.

Mal’s grunt cuts into the moment and Jayne’s eyes flick to him, seeing the incredulous expression on the Captain’s face. “Ain’t no one going to notice the fact I got shot at?”

It’s Kaylee who answers, still unable to stop smiling, patting Mal on the arm to placate him. “Barely a graze. An’ Simon was the one to get rid of him, pulled out the gun and threatened that he knew a way to put twelve bullets in the man before he even came close to dying.”

“Ya what now?” It’s more than unexpected, and it’s all Jayne can do to keep his mouth running off from him and questioning more. It’s not like Simon to be the one to do that; man preferred pacifism over anything else, and though he knew how to handle the gun for sure now, Jayne had doubted his will to actually do so. Gave him a sense of pride to hear Simon had been quick on the thinking and acting.

“It’s not like I would have done it, I just needed him away from the Captain so we could leave.” Simon’s finishing up the last stitch, a look on his face that Jayne’s not all that certain of. Like Simon’s half proud of himself and half resigned.

“Not nothing. See Simon? Said you’re gettin’ better at this. Gotta a bit of merc in you afterall.” Kaylee’s nudging at Simon’s shoulder, smiling at him widely as he blushes a deep pink color, blood rushing to the surface of his cheeks, his eyes moving to Jayne’s. Jayne can’t help but grin back, the most genuine smile he’s had all day, and only Mal’s snort of swallowed laughter falters it. Jayne looks at him as Mal meets his eyes, trying to look serious, expressionless, but failing miserably in Jayne’s eyes. Because Jayne’s remembering what Mal is, got a keen recollection of the night Mal saw them together, the night Mal was almost green with envy. Too busy mooning over Inara, not making his move on Simon while he still could and having to face the truth that Jayne had gotten there first. Least that’s what Jayne thinks. Just a shame he’s not a Reader himself, would clear up a lot of misplaced emotion if he were.

Simon looks confused, pausing in the act of pulling off his blood-specked gloves and Jayne tosses him a smile, one that dispels the confusion and has Simon smiling shyly back.

“Gonna have to wait on Mal buyin’ that one Kaylee.” Jayne shoots Mal a smirk full of meaning, knowing he’d regret the missed opportunity if he didn’t take it, watching the Captain’s mouth fall open as he adds, “Guess seein’s the only believing.”