FIC: Atonement

[aestheticjunkie.livejournal.com]

Hola muchachos. Hope you're having a good Sunday. This will be my second posting to this little community. Hope you like.

Title: Atonement
Author: aestheticjunkie
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Characters: Jayne, River, All
Pairing: None
Disclaimer: They all belong to Joss.
Spoilers: for ‘Trash’ and ‘Ariel.’ Takes place some time after ‘Objects in Space.’
Summary: Jayne and loyalty are not an easy fit.
Notes: This is sort of a sequel to the drabble 'Veils' written for ff_friday, but I feel it can be read as a stand-alone story. My first Jayne POV fic.



Jayne wasn’t any good at sitting still, but a punctured lung was no joke, especially out in the black. Even with Simon as their medic, Jayne got the feeling he’d shaved it pretty close this time. So it was days and days in the infirmary, although several of those he’d been mostly out, letting a machine do his breathing for him while he dreamed unpleasant and bloody things. Waking from surreal hallucinations into knife-sharp pain and a tube down your throat was not a transition Jayne appreciated. And then there was River.

She was there every time he waked, hovering, unsure. He’d drift in and out, sometimes hearing her voice and Simon’s, the most constant sounds in his semi-conscious state. Something to lull him back into the waking world, an anchor amid the pain that rose and fell with each breath and the drugs that kept him just under the surface. Once, from dream to waking in one heartbeat, not sure what brought him from under, blinking his eyes open into her rapt gaze, her hand on his cheek, touch like a flutter of moth wings. Each time he awoke there was a little more awareness. Each time River had been there, silent sentinel, and it made him uneasy.

Nothing conscious impelled him to push her out of danger back on Idoru. He’d just seen her mesmerized by that skinny kid, and everything had clicked in his head as she’d stepped out into the road: the horses bearing down, that danger-sense like a storm was coming he often got when badness was imminent. That flash of blue, quick-shine of reflected sunlight off a gun barrel. Leastways that’s what he’d thought of when he’d shoved her and the kid into the ditch.

There was a lot of pain and blood and darkness after that, something he hadn’t experienced since a bar-brawl years before, when a particularly nasty individual had caught him upside the head with a rock and buried a knife in his gut.

Jayne was pragmatic when it came to pain, and he bore it as best he could, while the crew came and went, each of them with this funny look in their eyes, like they weren’t sure he was out of the water yet. Kaylee was flat-out scared, wore her emotions on her sleeve anyways, and took to sitting with River now and again, making sure he was okay, he guessed. It was a sort of comfort, knowing they were there, but damned if he could figure River’s angle.

She knew about him, and Ariel. Had never come right out and said it, but he knew she must’ve read him, it was there whenever she looked at him, and his stomach clenched every time their eyes met. He mostly tried to avoid her after the Bellerophon job, right up until her crazy-fool dash into the road on Idoru.

Well, he owed her one, anyway.

Consciousness was not going away this day, and Jayne gave up, opened his eyes. Harsh fluorescent-blue of the infirmary. He blinked, trying to focus.

River on his left, sitting on the side table, knees up to her chin.

“Back,” she said inexplicably, confusing him, and suddenly Simon was there, shining a light in his eyes. Jayne flinched away, about to yell at him to stop, realized the tube in his throat would make that a mite difficult.

“I’ll get that out in a minute,” Simon said quietly, checking something above Jayne’s head, monitors most like. If he’d just take the damn tube out, doc wouldn’t need monitors for Jayne to tell him how he felt. His right side was on fire, felt like he was breathing through a cheese grater.

“Don’t move,” Simon said sharply, and then there was River, those wide dark eyes of hers, looking down at him, worrying her lip with her teeth. He felt her hand on his arm, gentle pressure that steadied him somehow.

“He’s hurting,” she said to Simon, matter-of-fact like.

“I know, mei-mei, but I can only drug him so much. He’s healing nicely.”

River frowned at her brother, and Jayne wanted to laugh, if it wouldn’t tear his side apart.

“I promise you he’s doing well. Okay? When’s the last time you ate something?”

“Later.”

Her hand tightened on his arm, and Jayne tried to tell her it was okay, she could go, do as her brother said, but the tube and the pain and being practically strapped to the table didn’t help things, his sight starting to go weird with blobs of shadow here and there.

“Hush,” she said then, her voice low, and Jayne felt her hand on his cheek again. He closed his eyes, fighting dizziness, listened to the familiar cadence of River and Simon arguing, strange dynamic that almost felt like home.

~~~~~~~~

Jayne didn’t mind holing up here on the couch in the common area. There was no way he could make it down the ladder to his bunk and it was far and away more comfortable than the infirmary table. Kaylee brought him protein shakes – he wasn’t up to eating anything solid yet – that she’d doctored up with whatever sweet hit her fancy. But he felt restless. Wished he wasn’t still hooked up to IVs, that it didn’t still hurt to move so he could do something useful, clean his guns or whittle or anything to keep him occupied. He dozed, listening with half an ear to Mal and Inara laughing about some situation she’d just come back from. It was amazing what people talked about when they thought he was out. He’d never heard Inara relaxed like that before, that formal tone to her voice muted now. He’d never really paid attention before, either.

“Stop eavesdropping.”

River. Jayne opened his eyes, found her sitting on the coffee table, hands playing with a strand of hair. Braiding, unbraiding. Jayne smirked.

“Ain’t really one to be lecturing me on eavesdropping, girl.” He shifted, wincing.

“Liked you better with a tube down your throat.”

He swatted at her, and she retreated, laughing with her eyes. Mal looked up, his gaze wary. “There a problem, little one?”

“I can handle Jayne-not-a-girl’s-name.”

Mal smiled, but his eyes were cool as they settled on Jayne.

And he flashed on Ariel suddenly, River’s expression as those Alliance feds came swarming down the staircase at St. Lucy’s.

She jerked back as though he’d hit her, hands to her face. Jayne froze, pain forgotten, breath caught in his throat. He shook his head minutely.

“Stop it,” she said harshly, sliding forward, grabbing his shoulders. “You aren’t there anymore. Today is today.”

“River?” Inara standing now, attention flicking from her to Jayne, a hardness there the Companion still only reserved for him. Jayne ignored her, his head shouting at him to run, River’s eyes pinning him there, telling him – what? She forgave him? Damn it, he hadn’t asked for any ruttin’ forgiveness. He sat there immobile, his breath coming hard and fast and searing, emotions he didn’t want to examine slamming him down along with her eyes.

She released him then, stepped back, lost-seeming. Wouldn’t look at him now. He found his voice.

“River – “

But he’d waited too long, and she was gone.

~~~~~

He awoke from a long fever-dream, eyes burning as if he’d never slept. The common room was dim, only light that chill blueness borrowed from the infirmary.

She sat in a corner chair, her face in shadow, arms wrapped tightly about herself.

Jayne ran a hand over his eyes, tried to clear cobwebs from his blurry vision. His brain felt fuzzy, reaction slow. The room was stifling.

“You hate me,” she said, voice small and hurt.

He blinked in her direction, trying to see her expression in the darkness. He felt utterly tired and sick. “I don’t hate you,” he said wearily. He couldn’t manage more. “You’re the Reader ain’t you. Read, already.”

“Can’t. You’re closed off. You don’t do it often, but I’m blind when you do.”

“Don’t then. Whatever. Too tired to argue with you, girl.”

“Girl has a name.”

He glared. “What do you want, River? Want me to say I’m sorry? I’m sorry, then. I like money, I saw an opportunity and I took it. Nothin’ left to say, far as I’m concerned. Not like anything came of it anyway.” He paused, coughing, pressed a hand to his side.

“I know.” River suddenly kneeling by the couch, dark eyes liquid, mouth turned down in a half-frown. “Don’t want apologies. Want you to forgive yourself. It’s like a little stab in my head when you think of it. Of Ariel.” The corner of her mouth quirked. “I think we’re past that now, don’t you?” Then she leaned forward, hand to his cheek again. “You’re hot. I’m getting Simon.”

Jayne blinked into the half-light, lips parted, but no words came to mind. It was easier to lay back and rest.

~~~~~~~~

Jayne made his way gingerly to the mess, hand to his side although most of the pain was just memory and not true. He couldn’t get used to breathing regularly, couldn’t take a deep breath without anticipating what was no longer there. Aside from some light-headedness, he could tell he was on his way to feeling like himself again.

“Jayne!” Kaylee made to hug him as he appeared in the doorway, then fell back, uncertain. “Sorry, don’t want to hurt you.” Jayne put an arm around her shoulders absently, his mind on –

“River’s in her room. Had a bad night,” Kaylee said, looking up at him. “You okay?”

Jayne set his jaw, brought his mind into the moment. “I’m okay.” Squeezed her, let her go. “Don’t look so worried. Ain’t dead yet.” She grinned.

They were all there, except for the doc and River. Even Inara seemed to greet him with more-than-usual civility, her hand on his briefly as he sat down. The table was laden with a near-feast, and Jayne wished he was even remotely hungry. He’d lost at least fifteen pounds lying on his back for so long. He felt frayed, uneven, and his damn mind wouldn’t keep still.

He stared at the empty chairs while everyone piled their plates. “We got us a job while you were out,” Mal was saying, passing him what looked like real carrots – Book had visited his abbey according to Kaylee. “I know you’re still on the mend, but maybe you’d be up to some reconnaissance in a couple weeks?”

“Yeah, Mal.”

“Son, you look a bit distracted.” Book tilted his head in Jayne’s direction. “You feeling up to this?”

River slipped into the room, clutching her arm, eyes to the ground. Simon followed, looking grim.

Jayne didn’t realize he’d stood until Kaylee asked him what was wrong. He watched River sit, still clutching her arm. Simon glanced at Jayne with an unreadable expression, then his attention was all on his sister.

Jayne forced himself to sit, to serve himself carrots and noodles and a slice of protein marinated in soy and powdered ginger. Forced himself not to look at her. Hell, if she was gonna ignore him, he could do the same. They didn’t have anything between them now.

Talk drifted to their stop on Persephone, which Jayne had missed. Kaylee wished they could have stayed longer. Zoë mentioned that Badger had been almost congenial during their meeting with him, that the next job looked real sweet. Jayne listened with half an ear, glancing up at River now and then. She ate mechanically, stood, walked past his chair without a word.

Jayne realized he couldn’t stand it. He had to know what the ruttin’ hell was going on, even if it meant drawing attention to the situation. He followed her to the sink, watched through narrowed eyes as she passed a dishrag over her plate without acknowledging him at her elbow.

“Girl.” Shit. Jayne took a deep breath. “River.”

She swung her head his way and finally focused on him. There were unshed tears in her eyes, which disturbed Jayne no end. His question came out gruffer than he wanted. “What in God’s name is wrong with you?”

She gave a sort of strangled laugh, looking down again. “Nothing that Simon’s meds won’t take care of in a little while.”

Jayne shook his head, uncomprehending. “You seemed fine before. I mean, you never had a fit or nothin’ while I was healing up.”

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. Her hands were trembling. “That was for you,” she said. Jayne opened his mouth, closed it. Girl sure did have a way of leaving him speechless. He worked his mind around things a while. Nodded. “Okay then.” He took the plate from her, set it in the sink. Took her arm firmly, careful not to hold too hard. Marched her past the silent table and out of the mess.

The room to her door was open. Jayne pushed her gently onto the unmade bed. She looked up at him, then lay down, drawing the covers up. Jayne looked around, found the chair by the door. He dragged it next to the bed, sat down, crossed his arms. Uncrossed them. Okay, maybe the ribs were still a bit sore. River still looking at him.

Simon slammed into the doorway, expression wild. “What is it? River?”

Jayne got up, pushed Simon out into the hallway. Locked eyes with him. “She’s okay, doc. Trust me.” Simon stared at him a long while, grinding his teeth, breathing hard. Then his eyes changed. He nodded curtly. “If you need anything.” He turned deliberately and headed back upstairs to the mess.

Jayne closed the door, went back to the chair. Sat down. He looked at the girl on the bed. Put a hand on her arm under the covers.

“My turn,” he said.


-end