FIC: Deprogramming

[srichard.livejournal.com]

TITLE: Deprogramming (Third in the Riverrun Series)
RATING: PG
CHARACTERS: River, Mal. Not really River/Mal, but you could read it with that construction. Rapidly heading towards River/Mal eventually, though.
SUMMARY: River is still a weapon, but certain modifications must be made.
NOTES: Serenity spoilers.



It took, as it happened, precisely four days for River to learn Serenity's workings inside and out. She had already known much, and the time spent cheek to cheek with Kaylee over the engine left her understanding the workings as well as the mechanic did. Her relationship with the ship wasn't so poetic maybe, and Kaylee scowled at her more than once as she reduced Kaylee's near-mystical speeches down to plain mechanics, but she would do well enough.

It took another two weeks after that, though, for Simon to feel confident enough to begin treatment, to find a way to try and strip the foreign programming from his sister's brain. He stopped Mal in the corridor one night. "I—we start tomorrow."

Mal nodded, looking tense. "What...how will you do it?"

Simon sighed. "It won't be pleasant. I have to desensitize her to the signal. That means playing it over and over for as long as it takes, with her in restraints. I'd appreciate it if you'd have someone outside the infirmary who knows the safe word at all times."

"Won't be a problem." Hard to imagine being able to sleep with her going through that anyway. "How will you know when it's done?"

The doctor shrugged. "When she's able to respond to me while it's playing. After that, we start testing the other possible signals she found. This could take some time."

"Is it gonna...hurt her?"

"I can't tell how she'll react to being restrained when her training kicks in. It will probably be unpleasant," Simon said tightly, then turned to go.

Mal closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. Had to be done. Moving into the kitchen, he found River sitting at the dining room table, curled up tightly in her chair. "Seems like you should be in bed, little one. Got a big day tomorrow."

"Tomorrow I stop being me," River said dully. "Don't want to waste being me sleeping."

That made all kinds of sense to Mal, so he didn't argue with her, just poured two cups of coffee and sat down beside her. "Anything I can do to make this easier for you?"

She smiled a little as she took the cup from him, then shook her head faintly. "Want to not be scared," she whispered, a little self-consciously. "For you," she added under her breath.

"River," he said in a firm, warm voice. "You look at me." Her head tilted up to face him. "I don't think any the less of you for bein' afraid of what you're facin' right now. Think you a mite foolish if you weren't."

"Jayne and Zoe don't get scared," she said hesitantly.

"Like hell they don't. You've seen Jayne near Reavers. That's fear, girl, even if he runs around yellin' instead of sittin' up in the middle of the night with the shivers..." He wrapped his arm around her.

She scooched her chair closer to his. "I don't want to do this," she said honestly.

"Nobody makin' you," he whispered, though there'd be trouble if she didn't. Still, it was too heavy a thing to demand of anyone.

"Have to," she relieved him by saying strongly. "But...will you be near?"

"Yeah," he said, eyes going heavy-lidded, voice rough. "I'll be around. Promise."

She nodded. "Is this how you held them, when they were scared of dying?"

He couldn't pretend not to understand her. "Yes." So many boys and girls on the battlefield, eyes wide and frightened as a death they'd never dreamed approached them. "But you ain't gonna die, River. You lived more'n two years with men cuttin' on your brain and fillin' you with horror. You're strong, girl. You can bear this."

"Stay here with me tonight?" she whispered.

He nodded. "Not gonna leave you alone like this. We got all the time in the world, little one, to get this done right."

She gave a sober nod and relaxed against him, but though her body was still, nothing could quiet the wrenching thoughts that tore through her brain, hurting her nearly beyond endurance.

They sat up all night, playing tall card and eating the most extravagant breakfast Mal could cook up at three a.m., including some precious mandarin oranges that they ate straight from the can. When morning came, though, they were back in the same position, his arms wrapped protectively around her, her eyes closed and head drooping against him.

*****

It wasn't a pretty process. Mal had known, intellectually, that it wouldn't be, but he hadn't thought on how he'd react to seeing the girl strapped down tight like that, dressed in a hospital gown, her face rigid and terrified. And that was before the screaming started. He couldn't move away, though. Besides his promise to River, Simon had judged it would be best to have someone who knew the safe word outside the room as well, just in case. When it came to River, it was best not to take chances.

The screaming continued all day as River stared up at the screen Simon had rigged on the ceiling, struggling against her bonds. Towards the end, her screams were hoarse and painful-sounding, but they hadn't stopped. Simon sat nearby, just stroking her hair every now and again. By midnight, in spite of his horror and unhappiness, Mal found his head drooping. He was too old to go two nights straight without sleep.

He jumped when Zoe laid a hand on his shoulder. "I can take over, Captain. You get some rest."

"You sure?" Mal tried to look alert. "Cause I'm wide awake and feelin' fine, myself. Might do some jumpin' jacks later."

She rolled her eyes. "Ain't been havin' much sleep lately for her to be disturbin', myself. Don't worry, sir. I can manage. You go on and get some rest."

He hesitated. "If something happens in there, you'll—"

"Be sure to call you," she finished the sentence. "Go on now."

*****

The second day wasn't much better than the first, except that River was swearing violently now rather than screaming. Once Mal was cleaned up and had eaten, he went into the infirmary. "How's she doin'?"

Simon shook his head. "I can't tell if the desensitization is working. She's still not...River, if that's what you mean."

"Gathered that," Mal said wryly. "River's mouth ain't generally quite so foul as all that. She going to be all right through this? Can she sleep?"

Simon nodded. "She passes out occasionally from exhaustion, gets short bouts of sleep." He pointed to an IV. "I'm giving her saline and glucose, and I'm cleaning her up as we go." The doctor seemed wholly unconcerned at that. "She won't hold still long enough for me to get a catheter in her."

Mal winced a bit at that, and it occurred to him for the first time the amount of trouble Simon must have gone through with this girl when she was first out of that box and crazier than an engine room full of space monkeys. "You always took good care of her," he said gruffly.

"She's my sister," Simon sighed. He sat down rather heavily.

"Seems like you could do with some rest yourself," Mal pointed out.

Simon shook his head. "I'll have to tonight, but I'm still all right. I'll let you know when I need to be relieved."

"Long as you do," Mal said quietly, then moved to his post outside, trying to look at River as little as possible. It hurt too much to see that figure there, with no hint of River about her at all.

*****

Zoe and Mal stood watch that night, but the next morning, when Simon returned, there seemed to be just a faint flicker of awareness in River's eyes. "Can't get back..."

Simon hurried to her side. "You can, mei mei. You have to. We're here waiting for you..."

Mal cautiously enfolded River's hand in his own. "Got a lot of work for you to do, little one, and we can't stay on auto-pilot forever."

Simon glared at him, but Mal just grinned. He knew what would bring River back.

It was still a slow process, and the whole morning was spent listening to her hoarse ramblings that didn't make much sense individually, but, taken together, made one thing clear: River was trying to return to them.

It was late afternoon when, finally, after a blessed lull of sleep, River opened her eyes once more. She glanced up at the screen, then at Simon's face. "Simon..."

"River?" His voice was sharp and anxious, but he touched her cheek very gently.

Seeing that through the glass, Mal moved inside. "Is she--?"

River smiled up at him. "Not a weapon anymore," she whispered, then coughed. "Throat hurts. Tired, and dirty..."

"We'll get you cleaned up," Simon promised, looking up at Mal, who politely turned his back, though in his brain, it wasn't much stranger for him to watch than for her own brother to be doing that. He wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable, though. He sent Zoe for some tea with honey in the meantime.

When Zoe returned with the tea, Simon had freed River and was rubbing some soothing cream into her chafed wrists and ankles. Zoe handed the cup to Simon, who let River sip at it as best she could. "Can you walk?" Simon asked.

"Don't know." River moved to sit up, then dropped to her feet. Her knees immediately buckled.

Simon reached for her, but Mal was faster. "Got her," he said to Simon with a nod. "I'll get her to her bunk. You might want to go tell Kaylee. 'spect she'll be happy to hear about this."

Simon nodded, his face almost shining. Mal, almost staggering with weariness, carried River back to her bunk and settled her gently on her own bunk. "You need anything else, little one?"

She shook her head. "Doesn't seem right sometimes, that I'm so lucky..."

Mal raised his eyebrows. He'd never considered River Tam to be a particularly fortunate woman, with all she'd borne.

"I am," she insisted. "Both of you to take care of me. No one else...no one else has as much..." Her eyelids were drooping.

Kissing her forehead softly, Mal stood up. "You just rest now. I imagine there'll be more to do later."

A faint grimace passed over her face, but she nodded in agreement. "Yes...more. Not yet, though, now I have to..." Before she finished speaking, she was asleep.

*****

It was a lot more, as it turned out. One of the other signals proved to be a trigger as well, and they had to weather two more days of watching and waiting for River to find her way back. Once they knew she would emerge still River, though, it was at least a little less terrifying. When that was done, Simon tested her again with the first signal to make sure the desensitization had been permanent and not just temporary. River came through with flying colors.

The last thing was to not eliminate, but change, the safeword, so that only Simon, Mal and Zoe knew what it was. It was, as Simon pointed out, not much good to have an unstoppable ninja girl if the opposition could simply make her fall asleep whenever they chose. That too took days, though they were a lot more peaceful, as River simply slept through most of them.

In the end, Simon came to Mal, looking tired. "It's done. Every code we know about is deleted or modified. She's your weapon more than theirs now."

Mal's eyes narrowed. "Think you got that wrong, Doc. She's her own weapon, now. That's all I ever wanted from this."

"Right. And it's a coincidence that she follows whatever you want," Simon said sarcastically.

"Ain't a coincidence. Don't know that I could say what it is, but River's ideas and mine tend to dovetail of late. That's all there is to it." Mal folded his arms over his chest.

"Fine." Simon looked away. "When—"

"Soon's we reach Ezra. River's already set the course."

Simon drew a deep breath and nodded. "I'll never forgive you if—"

"Wouldn't bother finishing that, Doc. If that happens, there won't be no me left to forgive or not. So, really, it don't make a speck of difference." And with that, Mal turned and strode up to the bridge, where River awaited him.